"The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants" - Albert Camus

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Obama Slams Electronic Gadgets, Promotes Smoke Signals

This was too good not to reprint. A bit of satire from our friends at the People's Cube (click on the title for the site).

President Barack Obama cautioned college students last week about the harmful effects of the free flow of information - a social ill typically associated with unfettered technological advancements in a capitalist economy. Speaking to thousands of graduates, their family and friends, the president shared his concern over what his latest intelligence report characterized as "students' misuse of awareness-enhancing gadgets and empowering tools" as merely entertainment devices."

Today's college graduates are coming of age at a difficult time when the alternative media is not always presenting the current truth according to our specs and we're just wasting valuable time writing detailed instructions for them," he said."

Even our seasoned media watchdogs are having a hard time sifting through the many voices clamoring for attention on blogs, on cable, on talk radio. Not only does this unnecessarily pressure you to think for yourself and make the so-called 'informed choices,' it also impedes my ability as president to game the system. Let's face it, even some of the craziest internet parodies can quickly become a reality. I've had some experience with that myself," said Obama.

Speaking of electronic organizers and mind-boggling memory chips, president Obama assured his audiences that a string tied to his finger can do all that and more.

Keeping his criticism constructive, the president then proposed to replace the decadent iPhone with a rope and two coconut shells - a nature-friendly device that had been successfully tested on Gilligan's Island but never made it to mainland due to corporate greed and obstructionism of the telephone companies.

President Obama urged students to learn from other cultures who have created many alternatives to long-distance communications - from "talking drums" to crystal skulls to smoke signals."

While not entirely carbon-neutral, smoke signals are nonetheless a time-tested First-American custom that needs no infrastructure, promotes outdoorspersonship, and can be safe when supervised by a caring EPA official," Obama said. "Visible to all, smoke signals strengthen the communal spirit by sparking collective outcry if the sender deviates from the majority norms, thus preventing any chance of a conspiracy or developing anti-social, individualistic traits.""

When I promised breathtaking change, I didn't mean you would be upgrading your iPods and video game consoles every few months," the president continued. "My change only referred to the way we slice the American pie, so that you'd vote for me if you want a bigger share. But getting elected was only the beginning; I still need your help. If you want your slices to be equally big, you must continue to empower the government. And to do that you must quit playing your stupid games, dammit, and empower yourselves by raising your awareness about what's in your neighbor's lunchbox and saying 'I want that.' Because empowerment means awareness of your entitlement to your neighbor's lunch.""

The era of single-player video games has been detrimental to raising class consciousness," the president said. "PlayStations and Xboxes aren't conducive to dividing people into oppressed groups and nurturing their collective grievances. Every hour spent on playing video games is an hour not spent with your local community organizer or in a group meeting developing groupthink strategies. And without strong groupthink, without the ability to categorize people by their grievances, we won't be able to win elections and you will be doomed to work for a living and keep what you earn."

President Obama then suggested an easy politically correct alternative to the anti-democratic gadgets. Reaching underneath his colorful ceremonial robe, he produced a puzzle that looked like the Rubik's Cube only it was equally red on all sides: the People's Cube."

Having all squares of one and the same color guarantees certainty of results and eliminates the stress associated with competition and risk-taking," the president said, rotating the cube and solving it within seconds. "Playing with this puzzle, no group of players can outperform any other group. This completely levels the playing field and guarantees equal outcomes for all. It's what we're also trying to achieve in real life with our mind-blowing economic reforms. A great educational tool, the People's Cube can teach you more about the theory and practice of progressivism than any video game ever could. What's more, it's colorblind-friendly!" (Click here for operating manual)."

To summarize, popular electronic devices have become an obstacle to our steady march towards a better future. Giving them up will be a necessary sacrifice worthy of the dreams of our fathers."

Obama finished reading from his hi-tech teleprompter and held his head up at a photogenic angle, enabling high definition cameras to stream his image to various TV networks feeding the infotainment-hungry nation. Backstage, presidential staff hectically typed his speech into Twitter, Facebook, and MySpace pages, transmitting it through a number of live podcasts, and posting web-ready iPod-snapped photos on the official White House blog.

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